Birmingham OTC vs Birmingham Medics 3rd XV
18 March 2006
Lost 27- 5 (Tries: Big Stu)
When beakey was
first approached by a scrawny toff aptly named "David" back in January at a busy "planet funk" amongst the pilled up coke/cock
heads that frequent those events, the eager young skipper jumped at the chance believing that the team would be made
up of players of a similar mould as "David" and this would be the walk-over game they needed for their one win of the season.
How wrong could we have been??
Getting nearer to
the date, the skipper decided to make a few changes to the team making it more of an all-star invitational. This was due to
circulating rumours that the OTC had a few UNI 1st players (cunts).
Unphased by this,
the team was then injected (not with steroids) but with some stronger/fatter players to bolster the rather shite selection
that was available for this 3rds fixture.
Also, on that day,
the skipper learnt that the Birmingham OTC isn't just made of a few random jokers that like playing with guns from brum uni,
but has intake from several establishments, including Keele, Leicester, and Aston etc....
of texts/phone calls prior to this historic event (possibly the last of the glorious 3rds era) 4 players turned up at the
original meet time of 12!
Club timing does
not = Greenwich Mean Time
This piss poor turnout
may have been due to the copious amounts of people out on the lash the previous night after watching the very gay and proud
performances of such contemptible weapons like Afrikaans, G and Ranj in the FYD fashion show.
So after a few more
phone calls we managed to scramble a 15 together, with growing numbers turning up after the kick off time. (Twats)
The OTC arrived
in their tanks ready for action.
When kick off whistle
blew this opening 5 minutes looked a walk over for the 3rds.
Then things started
to go wrong.
As fines were never
done here are some highlights (more lowlights) from the game from each player.
1) Ralph – Tra laa laa. Enough Said. Played well for his beloved
club/3rd team. Inspirational. ? Last game for the club.
2) Ben – Despite having a C.A. hand he still played, typically
the little fatty put in some big hits and played remarkably well considering he has a BMI of over 37 !!!
Tried to bring
dohnuts onto the field at half time! PUT THE CAKES DOWN BEN !!!
3) Schlong – solid.
4) Ben (fresher) - again
solid (well wobbly) not the slimmest weight watcher!! Popped up in the loose a lot, keeping the ball moving in attack. ?defence.
5) Jon Steel – New nickname has almost stuck. This little sodomising
adulterer ran with the ball a lot but never actually gained any ground. Note to jon–Learn the rules !!!
6) Hawkins –the young hawk forgot breakfast that day so decided
to eat some wingers, putting in some car crash hits. Not unlike that fucked up videophone tele advert for road safety. Positively
7) Afrikaans – soon to be Dr Apartheid was still drunk from the
night before and indeed played the wife of the dean in the fashion show. Gay. His rugby skills were similar that day.
8) Big Stu – again played well. ? Fitness. HENOUS crime of score
his 1st try for the CLOOB and a forwards try at that !!!
9) Northern Monkey – despite having multiple lesions coming into
the game his COPD let him down at the vital moments.
10) Beakey – Flawless game
11) The Bust – wasn’t inspired by the sheer brilliance around him and the magnitude
of the occasion, but some mazy runs and solid hits kept the little sod happy.
Crowning moments were dummying to the touchline?!!
(Someone wrote on the fines) and also being suplexed WWF style by one of there props Corporal Pie Muncher!!
another unforgettable moment was when (near the touchline full of OTC supporters) (BACK OFF - THEY’VE GOT SWISS ARMY
KNIVES) another of their fatty’s Private Portly bridged (illegally I must) add over the ball !!! Despite the whistle
blowing instantly and the penalty given – THE BUST (animated little scrotbag) screams in his home county accent
time, FUCKING STAMP ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD”
- To which the supporters were none to pleased and showed
their distain by mouthing back to him,
- Taken aback the busts response was, “well he was
illegally bridging you blundering idiots don’t you know!”
- Cheers the BUST, the last thing we wanted was a WAR!
- a peaceful game apart from that incident. Apart from
mild aggro from the beak.
12) VIcann aka Vulcan as the computer keeps changing it to – Where to start with this
Essentially, Vic, YOU PLAY IN THE FORWARDS FOR SOME VERY GOOD REASONS !!!
A) You can’t catch
C) You had no idea what your doing
D) You’re thick
E) did I mention you didn’t play
PS: You’re never invited to play in the backs ever again!!!
moment was when the Vic jumped not unlike that of a brown salmon (from an up and under from JB) and completely missed the
ball. (anti-teflon hands) then landing to the sound of a snap as his ankle decided to give up, not taking the weight of his
obese frame !!!
He limped off
aided by sparky and some G.I.JOES.
13) JB – solid game, considering he had that muppet inside him!!!
14) Steve – Apart from apparently ball watching and being “one of them” a
good game all round!!!
15) Lyndon – Came to the match without his contact lenses – TWAT!!! Good luck the
2’s next year – YOUR BEING LED BY A MYOPIC CLARKE KENT
Apart from having no idea what he was doing, he knocked
on more balls than KENNY LOGAN and CLEMENT POITRENAU put together !!!!
In summary a Thalidomide child could catch better!!!
16) Toby – gay sticks, shit fines, gay.
17) Sparky – some compare him to the new upstart in the FIJI
7’s team – William Ryder
But again a good game.
18) Drew – didn’t play long. Perhaps tactically the captain was out-thought by the
tactical OTC team. Again filled monkeys boots at scrum half well.
19) Rick Ellis – keen
Man o match: HAWK
of the day: BEAKEY and BIG STU
Thanks to DACH for
spraining his ankle at the pub the night before. Thank god he’s a BMEDY?
Thanks again for
the no-shows – YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE !
Pies in the Pear
had the best turn out – even better than fitness on a Monday!
As the French say
“quelle surprise” –
As indeed they did
that day, as they won the six nations, With England almost getting the wooden spoon. (cheers robinson) also ben cohen- ?new
Then was some OTC
type fines: called kangaroo grenade or some rubbesh!!
One pint for beakey
for a fuck up and then another for being captain then turned into the familiar cries of “drink until you are sick”.
The chant started. The then brown pants beakey knowing drinking is not a strength (nor rugby) put on
a brave face but only managed one more pint before the digestive pyrotechnics provided a show for all to see (including hawks
and hels’s parents)
With the rest of
the OTC “rankers” present, the 3’s were then challenged to a boat race, which we won quite convincingly
as the head start beakey gave was quite astonishing!!!
This showed that
the 3’s aren’t just a drinking team!?!
A select few made
it to fab. And only one had a lass already waiting in bed for his to return while he got battered. Happy days!
But a good time
was had by all. As it is with every 3’s game!
Until next season.
Stourbridge vs Birmingham Medics 3rd XV
2 October 2004
Lost 24-10 (Tries: Anil, Bugsy)
A familiar call of "bring all available ringers" filtered around Medbar on Friday night as it became evident that the half-strength
3rd team backline would be decimated against Stourbridge. Where were the regulars? - was it injury or a cruel bout
of food poisoning? No – the new captain and his house had decided to walk up a few hills, and an elderly member of the
team was performing a ‘Changing Rooms’-style makeover to his new house.
During the coach ride over to Stourbridge, it looked as if rubber studs would have to be changed sharpish since the heavens
opened and most of Staffordshire suffered a deluge of biblical proportions. Unfortunately the weather had become rather warmer
on arrival at the ground, and certain members of the team were wishing they had done more/any summer fitness training. However
there was relief all round when it became evident that the game would be shortened to 30 minutes each way.
Despite the aforementioned selection troubles, the team miraculously had sixteen men. However all but five of these were
forwards, so various junior members of the team were dispatched to the distant reaches of outside centre and wing for the
game. When the match started, tackles were flying in from all players and, with vocal "support" from the 2nd team, excellent
clearing out from the forwards gave plenty of ball for the backs to weave their magic. Unfortunately they couldn’t catch
an STD in a brothel with plenty of passes being dropped and ground being lost. When not in possession, the team’s defence
was awesome, knocking back the heavier Stourbridge players in the tackle and forcing turnovers. Inevitably the tackle count
eventually took its toll and Stourbridge scored a penalty and a couple of tries. Towards the end of the half, a reversed kick-off
saw basketweaving-ringer Bugsy (BA – Hons: colouring in) leap salmon-like to claim the kick. Gobsmacked by his agility
in leaving the ground, the opposition had little choice but to nail him in mid-air, leaving Bugsy to complete a double somersault
with twist before crumpling in a heap. From the ensuing penalty and 5m line-out, Anil leapt to claim the ball and Parj spun
the ball out. The backs, newly endorsed by Teflon, did their sponsors proud and an overlap went begging.
When the match resumed after half-time, Brum now had the wind at their backs and excellent kicks from Oli peppered the
opposition full-back. Good work from the forwards in the tight saw Africaan make ground, followed by Anil who made a six inch
drive for the line to score his first try for the Club. Stourbridge recovered to score a further try before Bugsy intercepted
the ball and raced in from 50 metres. The conversion in front of the posts was assumed to be a formality but Oli did a Beckham-like
slice and hit the corner-flag.
Despite the loss, much encouragement can be taken for the new season, with Big Stu and Fresher Chris playing well on debut.
In the bar afterwards, the beauty of one of the barmaids (remember Lisa?) was appreciated by the club in the traditional
manner, and the early provision of sick buckets was a popular move. Fines at the Pear later were more savage on those who
didn’t play, with G chinning a jug (eventually), before projectile vomiting on a crippled Big Jim.
Man of the Match: Bugsy
Dick of the Day: Big G