3rd Team match report
About us
Message Board
The Committee
Player Profiles
Member List
1st Team
2nd Team
3rd Team
Match Reports
Training Day
Kit List 2008-09
Club Events
Rugby Tour 2009
Rugby Dinner 2009
The Boat Club
The Official Club Rules
The Official Club Songs
The Family Tree
The Old Boys RFC
Dear Uncle Mart
Tour flashbacks
Gallery of Photos
Adventures of the High Viz
Birds Rugby!
What do you drink?
The Cup

Birmingham OTC vs Birmingham Medics 3rd XV

18 March 2006

Lost 27- 5 (Tries: Big Stu)

When beakey was first approached by a scrawny toff aptly named "David" back in January at a busy "planet funk" amongst the pilled up coke/cock heads that frequent those events, the eager young skipper jumped at the chance believing that the team would be made up of players of a similar mould as "David" and this would be the walk-over game they needed for their one win of the season. How wrong could we have been??


Getting nearer to the date, the skipper decided to make a few changes to the team making it more of an all-star invitational. This was due to circulating rumours that the OTC had a few UNI 1st players (cunts).

Unphased by this, the team was then injected (not with steroids) but with some stronger/fatter players to bolster the rather shite selection that was available for this 3rds fixture.

Also, on that day, the skipper learnt that the Birmingham OTC isn't just made of a few random jokers that like playing with guns from brum uni, but has intake from several establishments, including Keele, Leicester, and Aston etc....


Despite thousands of texts/phone calls prior to this historic event (possibly the last of the glorious 3rds era) 4 players turned up at the original meet time of 12!

Club timing does not = Greenwich Mean Time

This piss poor turnout may have been due to the copious amounts of people out on the lash the previous night after watching the very gay and proud performances of such contemptible weapons like Afrikaans, G and Ranj in the FYD fashion show.

So after a few more phone calls we managed to scramble a 15 together, with growing numbers turning up after the kick off time. (Twats)

The OTC arrived in their tanks ready for action.


When kick off whistle blew this opening 5 minutes looked a walk over for the 3rds.

Then things started to go wrong.

As fines were never done here are some highlights (more lowlights) from the game from each player.

1)       Ralph – Tra laa laa. Enough Said. Played well for his beloved club/3rd team. Inspirational. ? Last game for the club.

2)       Ben – Despite having a C.A. hand he still played, typically the little fatty put in some big hits and played remarkably well considering he has a BMI of over 37 !!!
Tried to bring dohnuts onto the field at half time! PUT THE CAKES DOWN BEN !!!

3)       Schlong – solid.

4)       Ben (fresher)  - again solid (well wobbly) not the slimmest weight watcher!! Popped up in the loose a lot, keeping the ball moving in attack. ?defence.

5)       Jon Steel – New nickname has almost stuck. This little sodomising adulterer ran with the ball a lot but never actually gained any ground. Note to jon–Learn the rules !!!

6)       Hawkins –the young hawk forgot breakfast that day so decided to eat some wingers, putting in some car crash hits. Not unlike that fucked up videophone tele advert for road safety. Positively bone crunching!!!

7)       Afrikaans – soon to be Dr Apartheid was still drunk from the night before and indeed played the wife of the dean in the fashion show. Gay. His rugby skills were similar that day.

8)       Big Stu – again played well. ? Fitness. HENOUS crime of score his 1st try for the CLOOB and a forwards try at that !!!

9)       Northern Monkey – despite having multiple lesions coming into the game his COPD let him down at the vital moments.

10)   Beakey – Flawless game

11)   The Bust – wasn’t inspired by the sheer brilliance around him and the magnitude of the occasion, but some mazy runs and solid hits kept the little sod happy.
Crowning moments were dummying to the touchline?!! (Someone wrote on the fines) and also being suplexed WWF style by one of there props Corporal Pie Muncher!!

Again another unforgettable moment was when (near the touchline full of OTC supporters) (BACK OFF - THEY’VE GOT SWISS ARMY KNIVES) another of their fatty’s Private Portly bridged (illegally I must) add over the ball !!! Despite the whistle blowing instantly and the penalty given – THE BUST (animated little scrotbag) screams in his home county accent

-          To which the supporters were none to pleased and showed their distain by mouthing back to him,

-          Taken aback the busts response was, “well he was illegally bridging you blundering idiots don’t you know!”

-          Cheers the BUST, the last thing we wanted was a WAR! Pun intended!

-          a peaceful game apart from that incident. Apart from mild aggro from the beak.

12)   VIcann aka Vulcan as the computer keeps changing it to – Where to start with this young man?!!
A) You can’t catch
B) You’re FAT
C) You had no idea what your doing
D) You’re thick
E) did I mention you didn’t play well!?!
PS: You’re never invited to play in the backs ever again!!!

Another great moment was when the Vic jumped not unlike that of a brown salmon (from an up and under from JB) and completely missed the ball. (anti-teflon hands) then landing to the sound of a snap as his ankle decided to give up, not taking the weight of his obese frame !!!

He limped off aided by sparky and some G.I.JOES.

13)   JB – solid game, considering he had that muppet inside him!!!

14)   Steve – Apart from apparently ball watching and being “one of them” a good game all round!!!

15)   Lyndon – Came to the match without his contact lenses – TWAT!!! Good luck the 2’s next year – YOUR BEING LED BY A MYOPIC CLARKE KENT
Apart from having no idea what he was doing, he knocked on more balls than KENNY LOGAN and CLEMENT POITRENAU put together !!!!
In summary a Thalidomide child could catch better!!!

16)   Toby – gay sticks, shit fines, gay.

17)   Sparky – some compare him to the new upstart in the FIJI 7’s team – William Ryder

I DON’T! But again a good game.

18)   Drew – didn’t play long. Perhaps tactically the captain was out-thought by the tactical OTC team. Again filled monkeys boots at scrum half well.

19)   Rick Ellis – keen


Man o match: HAWK

Big Dick’s of the day: BEAKEY and BIG STU

Thanks to DACH for spraining his ankle at the pub the night before. Thank god he’s a BMEDY?

Thanks again for the no-shows – YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE !


Pies in the Pear had the best turn out – even better than fitness on a Monday!

As the French say “quelle surprise” –

As indeed they did that day, as they won the six nations, With England almost getting the wooden spoon. (cheers robinson) also ben cohen- ?new logan.


Then was some OTC type fines: called kangaroo grenade or some rubbesh!!

One pint for beakey for a fuck up and then another for being captain then turned into the familiar cries of “drink until you are sick”.

The chant started.  The then brown pants beakey knowing drinking is not a strength (nor rugby) put on a brave face but only managed one more pint before the digestive pyrotechnics provided a show for all to see (including hawks and hels’s parents)


With the rest of the OTC “rankers” present, the 3’s were then challenged to a boat race, which we won quite convincingly as the head start beakey gave was quite astonishing!!!

This showed that the 3’s aren’t just a drinking team!?!


A select few made it to fab. And only one had a lass already waiting in bed for his to return while he got battered. Happy days!


But a good time was had by all. As it is with every 3’s game!


Until next season.



Stourbridge vs Birmingham Medics 3rd XV

2 October 2004

Lost 24-10 (Tries: Anil, Bugsy)

A familiar call of "bring all available ringers" filtered around Medbar on Friday night as it became evident that the half-strength 3rd team backline would be decimated against Stourbridge. Where were the regulars? -  was it injury or a cruel bout of food poisoning? No – the new captain and his house had decided to walk up a few hills, and an elderly member of the team was performing a ‘Changing Rooms’-style makeover to his new house.

During the coach ride over to Stourbridge, it looked as if rubber studs would have to be changed sharpish since the heavens opened and most of Staffordshire suffered a deluge of biblical proportions. Unfortunately the weather had become rather warmer on arrival at the ground, and certain members of the team were wishing they had done more/any summer fitness training. However there was relief all round when it became evident that the game would be shortened to 30 minutes each way.

Despite the aforementioned selection troubles, the team miraculously had sixteen men. However all but five of these were forwards, so various junior members of the team were dispatched to the distant reaches of outside centre and wing for the game. When the match started, tackles were flying in from all players and, with vocal "support" from the 2nd team, excellent clearing out from the forwards gave plenty of ball for the backs to weave their magic. Unfortunately they couldn’t catch an STD in a brothel with plenty of passes being dropped and ground being lost. When not in possession, the team’s defence was awesome, knocking back the heavier Stourbridge players in the tackle and forcing turnovers. Inevitably the tackle count eventually took its toll and Stourbridge scored a penalty and a couple of tries. Towards the end of the half, a reversed kick-off saw basketweaving-ringer Bugsy (BA – Hons: colouring in) leap salmon-like to claim the kick. Gobsmacked by his agility in leaving the ground, the opposition had little choice but to nail him in mid-air, leaving Bugsy to complete a double somersault with twist before crumpling in a heap. From the ensuing penalty and 5m line-out, Anil leapt to claim the ball and Parj spun the ball out. The backs, newly endorsed by Teflon, did their sponsors proud and an overlap went begging.

When the match resumed after half-time, Brum now had the wind at their backs and excellent kicks from Oli peppered the opposition full-back. Good work from the forwards in the tight saw Africaan make ground, followed by Anil who made a six inch drive for the line to score his first try for the Club. Stourbridge recovered to score a further try before Bugsy intercepted the ball and raced in from 50 metres. The conversion in front of the posts was assumed to be a formality but Oli did a Beckham-like slice and hit the corner-flag.

Despite the loss, much encouragement can be taken for the new season, with Big Stu and Fresher Chris playing well on debut.

In the bar afterwards, the beauty of one of the barmaids (remember Lisa?) was appreciated by the club in the traditional manner, and the early provision of sick buckets was a popular move. Fines at the Pear later were more savage on those who didn’t play, with G chinning a jug (eventually), before projectile vomiting on a crippled Big Jim.

Man of the Match: Bugsy

Dick of the Day: Big G

 Stourbridge vs Birmingham Medics 3rd XV (4 October 2003)

 Lost 35-12 (Tries: Fresher Steve, Linford; Conversion: Ted)

 All three teams arrived in style at Stourbridge in a converted double-decker bus. Style points were quickly lost when it was realised that the clubhouse was locked, and three hours had to be killed before kick off. After a unanimous vote of no confidence in the Chairman, seats were taken at the bar to enjoy a cup of tea and bacon sandwiches.

The weather forecast predicted cooler weather for the first game of the season, after an unseasonably warm trials day. This came as great relief to the members of the 3rd team, whose lack of fitness has passed into legend. However, no-one was prepared for the icy wind blowing in Stourbridge, least of all the eight (!) replacements who huddled on the touchline in shorts and T-shirts.

The match started with the courageous 3rd team playing into the gale. When in possession, the team looked surprisingly athletic, reaching rucks and mauls minutes before the behemoths of the Stourbridge pack. However, the fragility of the backline was again in evidence as tackles were missed and easy tries were conceded. Only superb cover tackling by the back row (Para, Kupffer and Afrikaan) and Ted prevented the now familiar deluge of first-half tries.

Having replacements was an unfamiliar concept to regular members of the team, but the second half began with wholesale changes to the line-up. Freshers were introduced to add youth to an ageing team, and this paid dividends when a long kick by Oli was pounced on by Steve. The fresher, playing on his debut, then outstripped the covering defence before wrong footing the full-back and gliding over under the posts. Eyebrows were raised at the managers dubious decision to leave Steve on the bench until half-time. Meanwhile the conversion was kicked by Ted.

A short time later, quick ball from a lineout gave the backs an attacking opportunity, and quick hands left Linford in space. The winger ran through two tackles before evading the last man to score a superb try under the posts. The conversion was assumed to be a formality, until Teds dodgy stomach caused him a few problems. Normally the only follow-through during a conversion kick is by the boot after striking the ball - on this occasion, the other sense is more appropriate. A grateful Ted was then substituted to allow a change of underwear.

The team then let themselves down by allowing Stourbridge to score a few more tries. The game was closer than the scoreline suggests, and some phases of play were excellent. A few lapses in concentration at crucial moments cost the team dear.

The 3rd team naturally refused to be second-best in the bar afterwards, and several three-pint-challenges (Davo, Ted, Steve, Linford) drew admiring glances from the Stourbridge players. However there were no admiring glances from 15-year-old (!) monkey-monkey Lisa, despite proclamations of undying love and marriage from Fatty Harris (Davo, not Rolf!).

After stitching up the Freshers at whizz and singing a few songs, the teams left Stourbridge, heading for an unsuspecting party at 31 Rookery Road to eat all their food and steal all their wine. A successful night!

Man of the Match:  Big Jim

Dick of the Day:  Ted